Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Healing Pregnancy

(I had this in paragraphs, but for some reason it's posting it as one big paragraph. Sorry.)Most of you already know about the upcoming addition to our family, but since I have been so horrible about keeping up our blog, I thought I had better make an official announcement!:) Martinez #5 is due to arrive the beginning of June (in about 9 weeks for those who are counting). We are all getting very excited to meet this new little one in just a couple months, but this pregnancy has been very different from my other pregnancies and the last 7 months have been a major learning experience that I really have felt I needed to share. The first major difference was that this pregnancy was 100% unplanned and unexpected. I am a planner, especially when it comes to when we are going to add to our family, so it was a bit of a shock to us. Normally, I would have been surprised, but so thankful that we don't struggle with the infertility that so many couples deal with, and I would've just moved on, excited about the upcoming addition to our family. This situation was a little different, I'm a little ashamed to say. Finding out I was pregnant just 6 weeks after the passing away of my dear friend and sister, for the 2nd time in that short period, I found myself questioning the Lord. I had felt peace and understanding about the passing away of Zoe and was working through those emotions, but was still very much mourning her loss. I was kind of a wreck to be perfectly honest, and now the Lord added this to my plate? A wonderful blessing, but I am already a very busy mother and just wasn't ready to take on something so big when I was struggling to just make it through each day. I also had a major fear of miscarriage because of how emotional and exhausted I was all of the time as I mourned. Thankfully, my husband didn't freak out like I did and as I crumbled in a ball in his arms, he was able to point out all of the blessings that were going to come from having this baby and reminded me that the Lord has a bigger plan and can see the big picture, and I just needed to have faith in His plan for us. Over the next couple months, whenever I would start to feel overwhelmed or found myself questioning the Lord's plan for us, I was able to refer to that counsel and I found myself conversing with the Lord often, thanking Him for the opportunity to bring this sweet spirit into our home, but also kind of turning all of my fears and overwhelming emotions over to Him and trying to have complete faith in His plan for us because at the time, I just didn't know what else to do. Now, 7 months into this pregnancy and the baby coming in just a couple short months, I can say that my attitude about this baby has completely changed and has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives. Without going into a tremendous amount of detail, I'll elaborate a little bit (which is something I obviously don't struggle with). Many of you may not know this, but the day Zoe passed away, I happened to show up to visit her literally seconds after Kevin noticed her lips were a little blue. The events that took place in the next couple of hours were extremely traumatic. The things I witnessed and experienced that day would haunt me from that night through the next several months. I would do okay during the day. I was obviously deeply mourning, and it was a difficult time for me, for all of us. As soon as the sun would start to go down, another struggle would begin. At the time my family asked me if it was because I was afraid of dying in my sleep as Zoe had. No. That wasn't it at all. Every night I replayed the events of that day over and over and over. I could vividly recall everything I saw and did and felt and I would get very sick and emotional and wasn't sleeping at all really. I couldn't be alone at night at all. I wasn't able to attend young women activities because then I would be coming home when it was dark to a dark house, and I wasn't able to sleep alone. How thankful I am for a loving and understanding family. When Traci and Lori came to visit, they stayed with me and one of them would sleep with me. My mom came and slept with me several nights and if she was delayed for some reason, then Becca would come sit with me until my mom was able to arrive. And when Martin was home, he could sense when I was awake and struggling and he would just hold me tight and comfort me. You're probably wondering what this has to do with my pregnancy. Well, a tremendous amount of healing has taken place throughout this pregnancy. My inability to sleep at all and my fear of the dark slowly went away with the fatigue and sickness of a first-trimester pregnancy. I was so exhausted and sick that when night came, I would fall into bed and before long, the flashbacks came less often until they eventually quit coming at all. This pregnancy has been able to give me a new focus as well. For the first while after losing Zoe, it was hard for me to find value in doing any mundane tasks. Who cared if my house was clean, the laundry was done, or if my flowers got trimmed for the upcoming winter? I certainly didn't. The only thing that really mattered to me was my family and my relationship with the Lord. Rather than focusing on our loss, I was able to gradually turn my focus on all of the tremendous blessings that we have and the blessing that this sweet baby was going to be in our home. I have also felt like this baby has been a very special gift to help me remember Zoe. We joke in our family that Zoe must've told the Lord that if He had to take her, then He needed to send Becca and I these babies. (Becca is due with a baby girl just a few days after me.) Everyone thought I would probably have another boy, a friend for Kyson to help him keep his sanity around all of the girls in our house. I thought so at first as well, but the closer I got to my ultrasound, I started feeling very strongly that we were going to have another girl. And how fitting that would be since this pregnancy and baby had helped me heal so much from the loss of one of my dearest friends. So when the ultrasound tech said it was another girl, the tears streamed down my face. So even though the last 7 months, especially the first 5 after Zoe passed away, have been extremely difficult and I have found myself questioning the Lord at times, how thankful I am for His bigger plan for us. How thankful I am for this sweet little spirit, Makyla Zoe, and for the daily reminder we are going to have of the Zoe that impacted our lives so much in the short time we were able to know her on this earth. We are so excited and looking forward to meeting this sweet little baby that has already impacted our family so much!